Swine flu? Give me a goddamned break. If you did any of these following things I will personally come to your house and kick your ass.
2. Sit rivited in front of CNN till three in the morning to see if Swine Flu has been reported in your town yet.
Listen, they could call it super-duper-wowza-crazy man flu and guess what? It would still be the flu. Frankly, if the flu does kill anyone, it’s usually offing infants and the eldery… and trust me, we’ve got too many of both those annoying groups. (In fact, some idiot entitled parents who think everyone in the world wants to be around their brat brought their toddler into a fairly high-end bar I was sitting at yesterday. I kept coughing at them hoping their spawn would contract the frigging Swine Flu.)
Now when I was a kid, we had real diseases. Not this sissy flu shit all you kids are whining about today. Remember SARS? Remember that flesh-eating virus? How about the West Nile virus? Now that’s all pestilence you can write home about.
I will now list every disease/virus/condition more bad-ass than the Swine Flu:
Restless leg syndrome
A scraped knee
I could keep going on forever, but I feel I might be coming down with carpal tunnel syndrome — and that’s even more bad-ass than your stupid Swine Flu.